I’m Breaking Free from Generational Patriarchy in My Family

And how you can too, one step at a time.

I grew up in a family where certain things just seemed normal. The men made the big decisions. The women did most of the emotional labor and housework. Girls were expected to be “good” and polite, while boys were given more freedom to be loud, messy, and in charge.

For a long time, I didn’t question it. It was just the way things were. But as I got older, I started to see how unfair it all was — and how much it hurt. Not just me, but all of us.

So I decided to break the cycle. It hasn’t always been easy, but it’s been worth it.

Here’s what I’ve learned so far:

1. Notice What’s Been Passed Down

The first step is just paying attention. Ask yourself:

• Who usually gets listened to in your family?

• Who does most of the caring or emotional work?

• Who gets praised for being strong, and who gets told to stay quiet?

Once I saw these patterns, I couldn’t unsee them. And I didn’t want to keep repeating them.

2. Choose a New Role for Yourself

I used to think I had to be the peacemaker. The quiet one. The helper.

Now I’m learning to speak up, say no, and put my needs first sometimes — and not feel guilty about it. It’s not about being selfish. It’s about being free.

You don’t have to be who you were told to be. You get to decide who you are.

3. Let Women Lead (Including Yourself)

I’ve stopped waiting for a man to take charge. I’ve learned that leadership doesn’t have to be loud or bossy. It can be gentle, wise, loving, and firm.

I try to uplift the voices of other women and girls in my family too. When we lead, we make space for everyone — not just ourselves.

4. Raise Kids with Equality and Kindness

If you have kids, or help raise them, you can be part of the change.

Teach boys it’s okay to cry. Teach girls it’s okay to lead. Teach all kids to share, listen, and speak up. Model respect, love, and fairness.

Even small shifts can make a big difference over time.

5. Start New Traditions

Our families don’t have to stay stuck in old ways. We can build new ones.

Make new traditions that honor everyone’s voice. Celebrate everyone’s wins, not just the loudest ones. Invite honesty, even when it’s messy. Let love be the rule.

6. Be Ready for Pushback

Not everyone will get it. Some people might resist the changes you’re trying to make. That’s okay.

You’re not here to please everyone. You’re here to heal — and to help others heal too.

You Can Be the Change

If no one’s ever said this to you, let me say it now:
You don’t have to carry the weight of old, unfair rules.
You don’t have to keep repeating what hurt you.
You can start something new — something kinder, freer, and more true to who you really are.

It won’t be perfect. But it can be powerful. And it starts with you.